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The Girl Next Door

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise through Vancouver: Happy birthday, eh?

The Vancouver Sun
By Bart Jackson

VANCOUVER — Just when you thought Vancouver couldn't get more festive, now we in Vancouver have Katie Holmes's birthday to celebrate.

Katie's in town while her husband, Tom whathisname, makes his latest "Mission Impossible" flick. By chance, she turns 31 on Saturday and with any luck Happy Birthday will replace that damn MI theme they're pumping out all over downtown. Or maybe it's Christmas schlock, it all sounds the same. (Someone's off his meds today...)

It must be great being a celebrity, 'cuz I bet Katie and her kid, Suri, really appreciated the paparazzi scumbags flocking to Stanley Park last evening to annoy mum and daughter while they choo-choo'd around on the mini-train and waded in the goose guano that delights townies and tourists alike.

This just in from several of those online sites that provide spiritual fulfillment for truth-seekers everywhere: After Katie and Suri met Santa and a snowman in the park they went — wait for it — to a nearby burger emporium for something to eat. The goss sites don't mention what they ate, but rumour is it was something they had to, you know, chew.

Another respected online journal of record reports that the very fact Katie's here with Tom pretty much dashes "media reports" (aka gossip-site bs) that the couple's marriage is on the rocks. Whoa, that's a relief! After Ryan and Scarlett split, another celebrity rupture would just about slurp the whole year down the drain for us seekers of wisdom.

Not that marital woes hurt a career. Heavens to Betsy, as the Finns like to say, Sandra Bullock's divorce from that biker jerk earlier this year helped her win People magazine's Woman of the Year accolade. Take that, Kim Kardashian!

Anyhow, Happy Birthday, Katie. And take all that "It's all downhill from here" stuff with a grain of salt. The rich and famous live forever. In our hearts. Or something.