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The Girl Next Door


Welcome To Ohio, Mr. Cruise

The Plain Dealer
By Michael Heaton

Entertainment Weekly has reported that actor Tom Cruise and his wife, actress Katie Holmes, have purchased a mansion near Toledo, where she was born and raised and where her family still lives.

Welcome to Ohio, Mr. Cruise. We hope your stay here is pleasant. Here are few tips to help make your adjustment in the Greater Toledo area smooth, effortless and trouble-free.

We are plain, hardworking average Americans here in Ohio, Mr. Cruise. We don't cotton to any highfalutin Hollywood ways around here. We drink water from the tap, we buy our clothes on sale and we go to church on Sunday.

Winters are long and depressing here, Mr. Cruise. Some of the womenfolk take pills to cure their blues. The last thing they need is some two-bit Tinseltown headshrinker telling them it's all in their minds. Of course it is. That's why they take the darn pills.

Your bride comes from a good, respectable family. If you're over there with the grandkids, don't be jumping on the couch. Maybe that's the way they act in California, but we don't go in for that here. If the family dog gets up on the couch, he gets a good whack with the newspaper. Don't think you won't get the same. They paid good money for that sofa.

Even though technically Toledo is closer to Ann Arbor than to Columbus, don't even think of going Michigan Blue. Ever.

We'll give you a pass on that Scientology business as long as you don't get all Wolverine on us, if you know what we mean. And if you live in Ohio for any length of time, you will know what we mean.

Now we here in Ohio wouldn't ever even think of telling you how to run your career. We don't know Hollywood from hollyhocks, or showbiz from Shinola. We get a real hoot out of those “Mission: Impossible” stories you do. Those gadgets you fool with while saving the world are downright ingenious.

But would you ever consider going back to those pictures where you are a jet fighter pilot or a race car driver? Those are still our favorites.

So welcome to the Buckeye State. We'll see you down at the Taystee Freeze.