K A T I E   H O L M E S :
The Girl Next Door

"Katie Drug Shocker!"


The cover story begins thusly: "With glazed eyes and a vacant expression on her face, Katie Holmes tightly gripped the steering wheel... It was time for another dose of treatment." In a world exclusive, several former Scientologists tell Star that Scientology treatments have an effect "similar to heroin!" Apparently, using the e-meter, the device used in Scientology's auditing, gives its subjects "a temporary feeling of euphoria, followed by a crash and a craving for more," just like eating brownies. Former Scientologist and engineering student Arnaldo Lerma says, "For me, it was like taking a Percocet. My pupils would dilate a little bit. But then there would be a sag effect after, a hangover of sorts." He also says, "Like a heroin addict, you want another dose, only it's a dose of auditing." Star attempts to support this ridiculousness by showing pictures of Katie Holmes shopping and looking "spacey" and contrasting them with a happy red carpet picture labeled "Before Tom." To be clear: There is no actual "drug shocker."